If you are suffering from emotional distress, this article is very suitable for you.

"I've been losing my temper lately. And I always feel that people are talking about me. It's nervous. What should I do?

"How to manage emotions? I am a person who will not be in a good mood for a day if someone says a few words.

"I can't control my emotions when I'm upset. I always make decisions I regret. I want to change that."

"Recently, I often don't feel my emotions and feel like a dead person. Clearly there is no sadness in my heart, but inexplicably I cried. Sometimes it should be very happy, but there is no happy mood.

"Every time I'm in a bad mood, people say I need to learn to control my mood, but no one ever tells me how to do it."

I observed a set of data.

For example, in recent years, the number of anxious insomnia has increased rapidly, with 70% of young people.

For example, in 2020, depression may become the second largest human disease after cardiovascular and cerebrovascular diseases.

For example, the prevalence of anxiety disorders in China is close to 5%. That is to say, five out of 100 people suffer from anxiety disorders.

The longer the emotions are depressed, the more destructive they become, and they have a series of effects, like the butterfly effect.

It's time to focus on your emotional problems.

But do we really understand emotions? How are our emotional problems caused? What about real emotional management? We don't know.

First of all, we need to know where our emotional problems come from.

01 "Intergenerational trauma" and "emotional distress"

"I'm a very grumpy person. Especially for the family, always unbridled anger, but often regret afterwards, sorry for the family, and for outsiders always tolerate, especially polarized. What should I do?"

"When my parents ask me to do something, I'm always inexplicably irritable. What should I do?"

"Every time I chat with my parents, I feel very excited. I hope I can become friends with them instead of lecturing me. I also feel a strong sense of attack in my heart."

Many readers write about the impact of parents on our emotions.

There was a German named Tomas Plaenkers, who had studied the psychological trauma caused by a certain period of time since the 1990s. Parents have experienced trauma. What impact will trauma have on parents'generation?

Parents who have experienced trauma tend to overemphasize secular success, and their emotions tend to be unstable, which may lead to neglect and abuse of their children and make them unable to integrate into interpersonal relationships properly.

(1) Parents who experience trauma will feel extreme insecurity and pressure to succeed.

Because collective trauma makes people feel extremely insecure. They will be full of worries in life, have tremendous pressure on success, and persevere in hard work. They hope to protect themselves and eliminate helplessness through success.

When parents have great expectations for our future, they may experience great insecurity in their hearts. This sense of insecurity can be transmitted to us.

"My biggest mistake in my life is not to enter a good university, miss a good job, you must not repeat the same mistake..."

Parents who have experienced trauma have unusual requirements for their children's success, so they can easily impose their desires on their children, thus giving themselves a comfort and making up for their own shortcomings.

The traumatized parents and their children are too involved in each other's lives. The boundaries are chaotic. Instead, the children assume the roles of "parents" or "spouses" of their parents and need to fulfill their parents'unfulfilled wishes.

(2) Parents who experience trauma may cause emotional neglect and abuse to their children.

Parents who experience trauma lack empathy with their children and are overly concerned about their children's "excellence".

If children are not "excellent", they will easily belittle their children in terms of personality and value, such as "how can you be so stupid", "how can you do nothing?"

These emotional devaluations accumulate over time, making children feel "I am not worthy of love", thus forming the self-identity of the next generation.

And we will also learn this kind of education mode, accustomed to the way of degrading the other side in comparison with others, to express the expectations of the other side, which is the process of intergenerational transmission of trauma.

(3) Parents who experience trauma tend to ignore their children's bodies and lack kisses and hugs.

Except when I was very young, I could say that the number of times I hugged my parents was countless.

Physical connection is the basis of human connection. Physical behaviors such as kissing and hugging are important ways to express emotions.

Tell you a story.

One psychology professor, Matthew Hertenstein, recruited a group of volunteers to find strangers and convey their emotions through touch. Then the volunteers asked strangers if they could receive their emotions accurately.

In this experiment, about 78% of emotions (whether anger, fear, disgust, love, gratitude, compassion, happiness or sadness) were accurately perceived.

Long-term physical neglect by parents makes it difficult for children to express their emotions accurately. That's why a lot of people say that.

"I don't want to express my emotions. I really don't know how to express them."

(4) Parents who have experienced trauma tend to be emotionally unstable, affecting their children's emotional state.

Why are people so emotionally unstable? There is a certain degree of relationship with parents.

Parents who have experienced trauma sometimes avoid indifference, sometimes are sensitive and irritable, and it is difficult to establish a safe attachment with their children.

This will lead to children can not learn normal social interpersonal rules and performance in the family, so it is difficult to integrate into society when they grow up.

When we unconsciously absorb the repressed, untreated experiences, emotions and emotions of our parents... We will try to get our parents out of those traumatic events and negative emotions.

At the same time, we have to deal with a lot of real life problems, to complete their studies and work, adapt to the changing world, which makes our growth particularly difficult.

Some of us are constantly "repairing" our parents'emotions, ignoring and suppressing our own emotions.

When we are aware of emotional distress, we need to observe whether it is related to the emotional state of parents, but we should pay attention to whether parents experience trauma is not absolute, and the impact of trauma on us is not absolute.

Are parents emotionally stable? Will they express their emotions actively and correctly? They say, "I love you," hug and kiss you? Are they overinvolved in your life?

And you, are you fulfilling your parents'unfulfilled wishes? Are you playing a role in restoring your parents'emotions?

Try not to assume responsibilities that do not belong to you. Don't force yourself to fulfill the unfulfilled wishes of your parents. Learn to express love in words and bodies, and minimize the impact of intergenerational trauma on our emotions. Maybe your emotional distress will be less serious.

02 "Abnormal Diligence" Workmaniac and Crazy "Consumerism"

House price, house price, house price. An eternal theme. In April this year, house prices in Beijing rose again, and young people in Beipiao shouted.

"Beijing doesn't want me anymore." Unconsciously, this is how our generation of young people "succeeded" in being kidnapped by houses.

"I have no choice but to stay here." Most young people need to fight in big cities because there are more opportunities.

And this group of young people is likely to evolve into what we often call "empty nest youth". In big cities, they work hard and stay away from their hometown and relatives. The pressure of life makes them choose to live alone, lack of emotional sustenance, and have no family life.

"Madame Wall Street speculation in China", "excessive development in a place causes pollution", "female college students rent their time publicly to buy brand-name bags..."

According to the survey, 77.3% of people have consumerist tendencies. Excessive consumption will make people unable to understand their real needs, people are "materialized", resulting in many psychological problems.

In his book The Psychology of Happiness, Michael Agel, a psychologist at Oxford University, points out that true happiness is the hidden social relations, work and leisure. In the consumerist society, social relations, especially those in families and groups, are neglected.

People who are addicted to consumerism are apt to fall into emptiness and depression because of their lack of Ideological and spiritual pursuit. Those who live in poverty are prone to strong inferiority complex.

At the same time, in the Internet era, we see many "net red" become famous overnight, earning more than a year's salary for ordinary young people one day. It seems that as long as "diligence" can "succeed".

Abnormal diligence, workaholism and perfectionism have become the mainstream value orientation tacitly accepted by society. This gap between high expectation of success and low achievement in reality leads to our strong anxiety.

Xu Kewen, a professor of psychology at Peking University, is in Freedom to Sudden Death: Why are you desperately abusing your body? 》 It also raises the concern about the "death from overwork" of young people.

"In an era of crazy pursuit of rapid financing, rapid growth and rapid success, pressure and anxiety must go hand in hand... Over the past three decades, diseases such as cancer, sudden cardiac death, diabetes, high blood pressure and various mental disorders have multiplied or even tenfold. The most important reason behind this is that our lifestyle - the level of stress far exceeds the limit that people can bear physically and mentally. "

No matter how much you want to succeed, I understand. But it is not at the expense of health and life.

03 Emotion Management, a Compulsory Course for Young People

Emotional problems are never your own. It is not only a psychological problem, but also a social problem.

So what can we do ourselves?

Learn to speak first.

"I'm lonely", "I'm very anxious", "I'm not happy recently", "I'm very angry these days"... Every emotion expresses your inner world, and every emotion tells you that you need to look inward and take care of yourself.

Then, learning emotional management is a compulsory course for young people.

Senior counseling expert Qingliu suggested, "For occasional anxiety or depression and other emotions do not need to be too nervous, you can try to use practical skills to adjust, but long-term emotional problems, may be psychological problems, related to trauma and other psychological factors, just to solve emotional problems is not enough, need professional help."

I hope that our generation can recognize and accept psychological and emotional problems more objectively, take the initiative to express their emotions and seek professional help.